LEPrecon Logs: GoblinDwarf Turf Wars
by Caerleon Marroc
Summary: A log of an odd occurance in the Goblin-Dwarf Turf war that includes a large troll...


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LEPrecon Logs: Goblin-Dwarf Turf Wars

By: Caerleon Marroc

The state of Haven City was enough to cause a hardened officer to take a well-needed 'sick day' to escape the stress of his job. All across the subterranean metropolis, gang wars over real estate were flaring up between the goblins and dwarfs, with surprising regularity and ferocity. Nearly every day, Ops would get a call about a fight or a kidnapping or some other violent occurrence, and then the LEP (Lower Elements Police) would send out a squad to kill the resistance. This was a similar day … or so it must have seemed when Holly Short's alarm screeched into her pointed ears.

"Ughh…" were the utterances from the elf's mouth, as she begrudgingly lifted herself from her bed. "Great, more goblins and more dwarfs." Holly grunted, slipping into a shower of geothermicly heated water. Life was so monotonous. Holly would drive through the horrible traffic of the overpopulated Haven City, then bustle through the LEP office, before being shouted at by Commander Root, and then being sent out to settle some so-called 'rebellion' the goblins were starting. As if the goblins even knew how to rebel. Their rat-sized brains could not even comprehend even the slightest task if they were not ordered to do so. Most rebellions lasted less than five minutes once the LEP arrived, buzz-batons charged up. The dwarves were better, if only slightly. The smelly little fairies could be obstinate and impetuous, but they could scratch themselves while having a conversation – a skill the goblins had yet to acquire.

After getting out of the shower, Holly put her olive drab jumpsuit, a uniform of the LEP; however even a badge and the transition from the ridiculous traditional shillelagh top-o'-the morning suit could get a LEP officer no respect from the citizens of Haven City. Striding out of the apartment, Holly Short though one thing. "I hope this day is better than the last…"

Upon arrival at the station, everything was the same as before; it was just as busy, just as hectic. Only as Holly was entering her cubicle could she get peace of mind. And then, wouldn't you know it, but her desk-sized plasma screen crackled to life, displaying the ruddy features of Commander Root.

"Captain Short. If you would, please come to my office. That means now. I have a little…er…task for you – guess what it pertains to?"

Holly muttered grimly to the microphone on her desk. "Okay, I'll guess – goblin-dwarf turf wars, correct?" "Oh, great" though Holly. "Another day of prying goblins out of some dwarf's jaws. How thrilling. Another _great _day."

"Correct, Short…get down here!" Root called into his microphone, sending an irritated message to the speakers on Holly's desk. As soon as the 'conversation' had ended, Holly's screen flickered back to the criminal database she had been 'researching', if you can research convict with your eyes shut, and your chair reclined. The chair was left spinning, and Holly marched down a hallway to a door marked with a burnished platinum sign with the words 'Commander J. Root' engraved it. After rapping quickly on the door an angry reply came from the inner room.

"Get in here Short!"

Holly quickly opened the door, saluting briefly. Her optics twitched to a plasma screen on the wall, and what she saw was not very nice. Not very nice at all. There, in an alley of Haven was a crime scene. A crime scene with several cadavers scattered across it. Holly was guessing that these Goblins and Dwarves were not killed playing a friendly game of crunchball; Especially because of the craters in the walls and gashes in the goblin's and dwarf's torsos.

"As you see, this is not the work of goblins or dwarves. It is a cave troll." Root held his hand up to stop any comments. "A full bull sized cave troll. Bigger than the one you…ahem…took care of …last year, an insane, violent cave troll – not that any cave troll is sane. You have to take care of him, with a retrieval squad at your back."

"But why me, sir?" Holly curiously inquired a hint of pride in her voice.

"Because twice you handled a troll aboveground. Best in the service. No one has done that before, thus the council chose you. Go up to that centaur Foaly for a sidearm, and then report to Captain Kelp." Root chuckled around his noxious fungal cigar, "and he _will_ be ready for you."

Chances are that Root was right Caption Trouble Kelp was probably the most enthusiastic officer in the entire LEP. He even had chosen 'Trouble' as his name in the manhood naming ceremony.

"Yessir." Holly swiftly replied, walking for the door. "Trolls. Even worse than the turf wars." Holly muttered, once out of Root's earshot. As Holly was walking down the brightly-lit corridors, Holly thought of cave trolls. Huge, lumbering beast with tiny brains and a violent attitude was the cave troll, predators without any morals or better judgment. Horrifying beasts with shaggy long fur and long goring tusks. The type of thing you would only want to face alone if you were packing enough heat to open up a seven-foot-thick blast door.

In the Ops room, Foaly was waiting, a quite smug look on his face. "Hi, Holly…bad day?" Foaly looked quite amused at Holly's frown – knowing Holly's task. He remembered the last time Holly went up against a cave troll. It was not funny to the least. And this time, the troll was in familiar territory. Foaly's grin was mainly because _he _hadn't been chosen to fight the troll.

"Oh, stuff it Foaly. You know what I'm up against. Now give me a sidearm and some of your techie stuff." Holly angrily spat at Foaly. He had to be the most annoying centaur she had ever met. 

"Touchy, touchy, Holly. Okay, for the sidearm – wait 'til you see it." Foaly clopped across the room, picking up a tri-barreled platinum cased handgun. "Here is the Neutrino 5000 - five power settings. It's the first legal weapon with a 'kill' setting in it. Even Koboi hasn't thought of this." Foaly grimaced. Opal Koboi was Foaly's technological nemesis…good thing she was behind bars in Howler's Peak, sentenced to treason.

Holly's features became slightly less stony as she hefted the gun. "Let's see a troll up against this," she thought, hefting the gun into her holster. The gun was so large, it would not have fit in if the holster didn't have a form of memory latex that would stretch, stick, and on command, reset; another one of Foaly's brilliant inventions. "Thanks, Foaly." She said swiftly – seeming slightly relieved that she _was _packing enough heat to open up a seven-foot-thick blast door.

Captain Kelp was waiting, faithful to Root's prediction. He also was quite annoyed and angry at his squad's roster. He got his little brother Grub again, what a bit of tough luck. Grub was a little crybaby; he muttered something about 'mommy' every other moment and ran away from every other fight.

"Greeting Captain Short – I presume you're ready."

"Sure am, Kelp." Holly quipped, eyeing the Neutrino 5000's in each squad member's holster. Thank god for Foaly – even if he was highly impetuous. "All right, let's go. Lock and load, and move out!" Holly said in true military banter.

Surprisingly, on Holly's command, the squad _did_ move out, even though Holly was the only female officer in the LEPrecon. The squad moved out onto the street, charging up buzz batons to 'remove any obstructions' that would obstruct them…i.e. angry civilians that want their convicted friends and family freed from the detention areas. No one did come up to them, asking for their 'little Grakla' or 'sweet wee Grumpo' to be freed – probably because they were too busy holed up in apartment buildings, scared silly because of the troll.

The troll was not hard to follow; the troll caused mass destruction in its wake, ripping holes in concrete walls and gashing up cars. Surprisingly, there seemed to be no casualties – yet.

The squad crept along the deserted streets, occasionally ducking behind the remains of cars and wreckage of stands. The trail ended up in a dark alley, with the cadavers of the goblins and dwarves – but they were gone! Not even a carcass or bit of bone. This was unlike trolls to not eat a corpse on the scene of death.

"What the…" Holly breathed into her helmet microphone. She was met with similar response from the squad – even from Foaly in Ops.

"D'arvit!" Trouble cursed. "This one must be smarter than the rest! He must be cachèing the victims! Who knows how many that troll has killed. Lock and Load! We're going in!" Trouble made some loud metallic noises from his gun, followed by similar noises from the rest of the squad.

"Let's round the corner in the alley. Be ready!" Holly yelled into her microphone, turning it slowly.

Holly was met with a surprise. Standing there was a gang of Goblins, and a huge troll. This troll was not just big it was colossal. Standing 4 feet taller than the largest recorded specimen, it was a killing machine – eating its spoils. The goblins were in a ring around the troll, and one was holding a remote-like device. As the troll caught the scent of the elves, it whirled around, and the glint of metal was seen on its head. It was under a remote-restraint device.

The remote restraint device was another one of Foaly's patents. It was designed for zoos, fitted on beasts with low intelligence. A troll was one of those beasts. On a press of a button an electrical charge was sent through the brain, stopping the beast in its tracks. Apparently, the goblins had gotten their scaly little hands on one, and were using it on the troll.

Holly flipped the setting of her weapon to medium, and with the support of her squad took out the goblins. The slimy fairies were so taken by surprise that they never even had enough time to comprehend that they were under attack. All of them were down incapacitated within two minutes of combat. Now for the troll.

"That was easy." Grub said over the LEP channel, grinning widely.

Trouble kicked Corporal Kelp's behind, flipping his blaster setting to kill. "You imbecile! There is still the troll!" Kelp began to fire on the beast, putting a three-shot spread in the chest of the troll.

The rest of the group did the same, flipping up the settings on their guns and blasting at the troll – but it was to no avail. Each shot only weakened the troll.

"D'arvit!" Yelled a member of the squad. "It ain't working!"

"Hold on…try your floodlights." Holly coolly said, flipping on her helmet-mounted tunnel lights. This would get that troll – most likely. When she flipped on her lights, and aimed the beams at the tunnel-spawned creature's face, the lumbering beast did not even stop its charge at the LEP officers. Even when the squad turned on their lights, it did not even stop. 

"Ahhhh! I'm going home to mommy!" Screamed Grub and the cowardly officer turned and ran, followed by two more of the eight-elf squad.

Suddenly, Holly did an odd thing. She switched her blaster to projectile.

"Are you crazy! No projectile could stop that troll's charge!" Yelled Trouble, who was furiously blasting slugs into the troll on rapid-fire, slowly backing away.

"Trust me, this one will!" Quipped Holly, as she fitted seven fizzers, projectiles filled with water, into her ammo clip. She shot them all at the troll, and the concentrated blasts of liquid hit the troll.

The troll started to spark! Then, it keeled over, crashing on the street, limbs twitching and emitting sparks. The thing caught fire, and then the fur began to burn away. It revealed a metal skeleton!

"Gods above!" Yelled Trouble. "An Android! That's why the Neutrino blast didn't work! I remember Foaly bragging about the gun, saying that the 'Kill' setting was like a bio-bomb, sending a miniature bio-bomb into the victim. Since that thing wasn't alive, it never worked!"

"Yeah, Kelp. I am confused – I have a few questions to ask the goblin with the remote though." Holly said, slightly puzzled. "Okay! Back to base – take the head-honcho goblin too. Foaly, get your techies here – bring subcutaneous sleepers."

Back in the LEP plaza, in an interrogation room, a goblin was shackled in a chair, faced with Root and Holly. 

"Okay, goblin-boy, we have a few questions for you. First, who are you working for?" Yelled Root at the convict, spitting out the words around his fungal cigar. "Tell me!"

The goblin quickly cooperated, begrudgingly mumbling the words 'B'wa Kell'.

Root nodded, before Holly stepped up to the goblin. "Okay…now, why was there goblin bodies at the crime scene too?" This time the goblin needed a little more encouraging – namely a painful prod from a buzz baton on the first setting.

"Traitors!" screamed the goblin, after he had recovered from the high-intensity plasma shock.

Root stepped forward, inquiring, "Okay – last question. Why was that _thing _eating the victims, when it was a robot?" This time, the goblin got another prodding; actually three before his tongue loosened up.

"Powered…by…flesh…new…technology – experimental…was all the fault of…" The goblin suddenly combusted, and in a puff of ash, the goblin was gone.

Root and Holly sighed. The B'wa Kell must have fitted him with a combustion pack. Those goblins must have just gotten the news and activated it. "Oh well," sighed Holly. "too bad we never figured out the perpetrator."

"Well anyway, Holly – good work, good thinking." Said Root – and Root actually smiled!

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The End


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